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February 8.19


Yesterday, dear reader, came the fifth sunless day of rain in five days. Also came the haulers in a pickup truck pulling an open wooden cart. They hauled stuff from my garage and then we drove to my storage unit and they hauled stuff from there.

And the rain poured down.

I followed them out of the storage place, and there was no way not to see the detritus of my life, soaked and wilted, riding in front of me. The big cardboard box with the old Christmas tree figured prominently in the heap. Some of the stiff old branches had fallen out and, formed yet in their bent upward curve, lay there appearing to wave goodbye to me. It was the forlornest vignette to be imagined.

That tree belonged to my parents and had seen many, many Christmases. Yes, I still have the top. Yes, it was time to let it go.

But did it have to wave at me?

And the rain poured down.

I came home and attacked the garage, sweeping and shoving and piling. The temperature was 59 and it was suddenly April. We haven’t seen the sun all week, but there was warmth! The daylilies were sprouting!

This morning the temperature is 18, windchill 0. A winter wind rattles the house and my head. Poor daylilies. Poor old frozen Christmas tree.

Mourning is a process not meant to be cured or stopped or unfelt. Grief will be, just as the winter rains will be. I loathe Pollyanna-isms, but there are those sprouting daylilies.


8 thoughts on “February 8.19

  1. From 59 to 18 – now that will drive the plants crazy. That type of drop will kill the fruit buds. Ever since I’ve read about the warm temps in NH, I’ve thought about the peach and apple trees that will bloom and then the 2019 crop will never happen. I’m depressed, and I didn’t even get to the memory filled tree waving at you. Organizing and clearing is a double edge sword. You feel relief about making the decision to get rid of things you are not now and never will again use, but there are those pesky memories that pull at you. Give it a couple weeks, and I’m guessing you’ll be ready to say adios to some more. But, wait until a sunny day. 🙂

  2. Oh, I am waiting for that sunny day! But it’s Indiana. I hadn’t thought about those fruit trees! You are so right that these ups and downs could lose us a lot of good eating later in the year. I think this is a particularly hard time for gardeners; we get itchy while the ground is still frozen and yet these little shoots poke up and taunt us. But my brother’s death figures into this for me, too. It has made letting go harder and easier all at once. As you say, the double-edged sword.

  3. February has begun with dreary days here in the Hoosier state. I hope you are not hauling things in an open truck today. The strong winds would certainly blow everything out that wasn’t completely tied down. And, now it’s cold, cold, cold again with colder on the way. Get all this sorting and cleansing done before spring actually does arrive so that you can enjoy it. I’ll be thinking of you….it’s hard to “throw out your life.”

    • Hello, fellow Hoosier! The last time you were good enough to leave a word on my blog, my brain actually kicked in, and it occurred to me that I should know the name “Carolee,” and not from the blog. The herb farm! I had never been there, but I’d read about it. I am so pleased to have you visit my blog — thank you! I’m sorry the farm is closed but I think I read that the herbs are still a part of your life. They are such bringers of joy!

  4. Good for you! Will you come do mine next? I WANT to clear my life of clutter, but don’t get around to DOING it. It’s so hard to let go. I am ever so impressed by your ACTION.

  5. Thank you! You should have seen the trash bags of old files I threw out two weeks ago — I have strained many muscles patting myself on the back! But then I look around and see there’s more so I can’t take too much time out to congratulate myself. And it absolutely is hard to let go.

    I have a memory of your condo as pristine and absolutely non-cluttered; it’s hard for me to believe you have much to get rid of. But I thank you for the laugh! I who live on a heap of heaps should declutter you in your tidy home? Well, maybe some day I’ll drive cross-country on my forklift and give you an assist!

  6. Grief will be. It does provide a perspective on letting go of possessions, which you’ve been wise to make the most of.

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